Never Meet Your Hero’s

They say to never meet your hero’s… that perhaps you will not like what you find, the villain behind the mask, or perhaps the gritty human realities of learning about another.

I’ve always wanted to head this warning, having long humanized fame and seen through the facade due to the development experiences I had in early adulthood. I always took this to refer to celebrities, but I have found far more pain in the simple folk I uplifted that I considered close to me.

This man in John, who see’s himself as so small now, I felt when he expressed this it was a mere reflection. The truth is not that he has been beaten down, but that he has squandered so much and never seen real consequences for it. I thought of these businesses this piracy focused young man had spawned up from seemingly nothing. Finding myself surrounded by other poor, suffering hobbyists who had taken to a community methodology in order to uplift themselves and gain access to quality information… I found myself amazed at how much those who had to fight for what they had held it up to value.

John on the other hand always had a penchant for the ego, to lift himself up above others. “I am the commander” he declares. Joining the team to volunteer, trying to boss others around… I found myself within a community looking up to others, trying to find the power that existed in order to uplift myself. Coming from my background, this felt right — like the only way I could get a reliable leg up was to find others to lift me. The painstaking reality of being rout with the reminder that I was _saved. _What I found was more indignant, power hungry people who find some level of success but often themselves are left behind. Sometimes they can heal, but usually they find themselves in misery loves company situations.

The idea of a business called “Own Anyone” under the guise of an LLC called “Werking Together Inc” that does it’s best to place payment liability on the service provider, forcing them into a contractor role and hiring under paid tech employees on contract to bust out the work and then trying to market the business by exploiting “friends” online is the effective reality of what I’ve realized is the case.

The goal of the business was effectively to enslave everyone, make them bookable, so that one man and a silent “business partner” could reap all of the benefits and rewards of a subscription service, utilizing fraudulent promo codes to market the business. Exploiting struggling students trying to make a buck with the guise of handing them “freedom,” but the business was clearly marketed to those who wish to book the services at the expense of the providers.

The more that I think about it, I should have seen this coming. Meeting my supposed hero’s has allowed me the realization today, as I sat at the beach and wandered to a cafe, that he is not the man I thought him to be. He complains about his aging car and paycheck to paycheck life in his high-income neighborhood home, while I suffer instability, abandonment, and torment at his suggestion. I somehow expected him to feel bad, and his reply is that he owe’s me nothing. This is a man so vitriolic and intent at exploiting others, from media to sex workers, to those he calls friends and business partners… And now wants to hide away “learning a new skill” while “working a job” that clearly doesn’t exist. He has infinite support and squanders it on being a piece of shit and hurting others.

I also think about Freeman, and how he works with people who he builds up and who build him up equally. This is the idea I have been sold on by others but has failed to be the reality. I’ve struggled to find this for myself, often ending up feeling used and betrayed. He has truly been able to build a life where his clients and coworkers remember him well, and has also moved past struggles where he didn’t see eye to eye with those he worked with by making shifts as well. This is what I somehow wish to emulate.

However, today he has exposed information I gave in confidence that directly links back to me when I am feeling the pressure… a pressure now explained by him telling me he enlightened another to information that only I have, which was obviously reported back to those who brought me intentional harm. This leaves a terror in my heart, and a feeling of betrayal. I have held on to hope in good faith that he could see me as a person worth bringing into his circle of trust, but right now I feel scared to trust a single soul in this world, and don’t much like myself either.

I want to be in a world where I work with and build sustainable systems, but I’m not in a position to do much besides be used up and thrown away unless others step in. Based on my prior experiences, it does feel very much like this is the end.